You Can’t Pay ₦500k for Aso-Ebi and Start Maintaining Steeze at a Wedding
There is a particular kind of madness that only exists in Nigerian weddings — especially the Lagos ones. It is not the madness of music blaring louder than a plane engine. It is not even the madness of the MC dragging jokes like generator choke. The real madness? It’s when somebody pays ₦500,000 for Aso-Ebi, arrives early in a freshly installed 30-inch frontal, beats traffic, perfects makeup by 5 a.m., only to get to the reception venue and start forming “steeze” when food begins to land.
Excuse me madam, is it steeze you came to maintain or is it rice?
If you are not Nkechi Blessing whose tailor designed her gown like a prison jumpsuit, what then is your excuse for acting bougie around trays of fried rice, amala, asun, seafood okro, pounded yam and nkwobi? Because you see, one thing God did not design our belly to do — is to wear waist trainer and still fast at a party. Both cannot exist together.
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Some people behave like they were dragged to the event by their village people. But let’s talk about facts. Nobody forced you to buy the Aso-Ebi. You priced it. You called the plug. You paid transfer. You even begged your tailor with gala and malt to finish the outfit before Thursday. After all this, it is at the venue of the party that you suddenly start forming classy? Aunty, we are not in Paris. This is not the Met Gala. This is Priscilla Ojo’s traditional wedding. Chop something!
Let’s break it down. If you pay ₦500k for Aso-Ebi, that is an investment. And like every good investor, you must make sure your return is not in vain. The ROI of an Aso-Ebi investment is maximum enjoyment, and no enjoyment is complete without food.
Stop maintaining steeze. Start maintaining suya-to-go.
Let us use Nkechi Blessing’s situation as a national case study. Her tailor betrayed her in a way only heartbreak can rival. The gown she wore to that wedding looked like it was sewn with blindfold on. It was hugging her like a clingy ex. The dress had no allowance for belly expansion. Now how will Nkechi eat five wraps of pounded yam if she cannot breathe?
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This is why we advise, from the Office of Wedding Preparedness and Stomach Infrastructure, that your outfit must be loose enough to accommodate inflation — both economic and digestive.
Stop going to parties in corsets tighter than your destiny. What you need is a comfortable gown, maybe with a pleated bottom, something that gives your stomach the liberty to explore buffet options without fear.
Remember, it’s not about fashion, it’s about survival.
One of the major problems at Nigerian parties is peer pressure. Some people attend weddings in cliques like they are coming for a girl group audition. But deep down, their plan is to form “crew” and ruin each other’s hunger instincts. Wrong strategy.
Let us repeat it loud and clear: You came alone, and you’re going back alone.
The earlier you accept this spiritual truth, the faster you will unlock the full buffet experience. That aunty you came with, the one adjusting her lashes every five seconds and whispering, “Don’t rush the food,” will not follow you home. She will not give you indomie at night when hunger is wirelessly flogging your intestines.
Eat for you. Collect drinks for you. Even if they serve only one meat per plate, collect on behalf of your ancestors.
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Do not be deceived by people forming fit fam in public. It’s the same people that will rush to make amala at 11:48 p.m. in their kitchen.
Now let’s address something that is even more embarrassing than underdressing. Wasting food.
If you must sin at a party, let it not be the sin of taking small chops, fried rice, jollof rice, pounded yam, catfish pepper soup, goat meat, and still abandoning half of it on your table because “you just wanted to taste.”
This is not intercontinental tasting menu, madam. This is a wedding reception, not MasterChef Nigeria.
You don’t have the appetite to finish all? Fine. But don’t waste it. There is a simple solution — take reusable takeaway packs in your bag. Be proactive. Pack like your destiny depends on it. When you step outside, there are always beggars nearby, under the hot sun with children begging for scraps. Give them the food.
That rice may be the only decent thing they’ll eat that week. Don’t waste it because you’re doing Instagram aesthetics.
Even Jesus said, “Gather up the fragments that remain, that nothing be lost.” John 6:12.
Now to the real villains of Nigerian parties: the food servers. These people have no regard for humanity. Their mission is to humble you in front of your peers.
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There’s always that one moment when food is finally being shared and the server arrives at your table of four. She dishes fried rice for the first person, serves pounded yam to the second, gives amala and ewedu to the third, then majestically turns and walks away — leaving you alone with cutlery and heartbreak.
You try to maintain steeze, smile like everything is fine. But deep down you’re already abusing Iyabo Ojo and her daughter Priscilla for “hosting nonsense party where people are insulted with hunger.”
It’s not fair. Hunger reduces self-worth.
To solve this, we propose a universal food code for parties: Let guests serve themselves.
Buffet is democracy. Buffet is fairness. Buffet is justice. It is the constitutional right of every party attendee to decide the weight of their own jollof rice.
Exclusive guests like governors, billionaires and celebrities can still be served on their high table. But for the rest of us that borrowed makeup and Uber fare to show up, we must fight for food freedom.
Let’s equip you with a checklist. If you are attending a major Nigerian wedding or owambe, here’s what you should carry:
- Takeaway pack (reusable) – not the noisy plastic one o, but the classy ones with compartment.
- Belly allowance – don’t eat breakfast or lunch. You must fast for the feast.
- Loose outfit – I repeat, don’t wear anything Nkechi wore. Let your stomach breathe.
- Power bank – for evidence. Your Instagram stories must be complete.
- Pepper spray – in case one auntie wants to fight you for the last plate of gizdodo.
- Confidence – sit like you own the wedding. Eat like you married the bride’s sister.
Understand that food at parties is not just food — it’s status. It’s fulfillment. It’s healing. That moment when you eat correct jollof rice cooked by Yoruba caterers with burnt bottom essence, you can feel the ancestral vibrations. Life starts to make sense.
Even heartbreaks reduce.
That is why some people go to three weddings in one weekend — to top up their spirit with nkwobi and pepper soup.
Never underestimate the power of small chops in resetting depression.
And this is why you must take eating seriously at parties. If you wear Aso-Ebi worth ₦500k and return home hungry, it is your destiny that has been played.
Before you attend any wedding, look into your mirror and say: “I will not maintain steeze. I will eat with pride. I will not waste food. I will carry my takeaway. I will survive this owambe.”
When they call for extra meat, raise your hand boldly. When they are giving cake slices, collect for your neighbor that didn’t come. When they are serving cocktails, drink like you know the bartender personally.
Life is already hard. Fuel is ₦1000/litre. Dollar is in a toxic relationship with Naira. The least you can do is enjoy wedding food and dance off the frustration.
So dear reader, if you find yourself in a Priscilla-type wedding again, don’t be shy. Eat like it’s your last supper.
And never, ever, ever dress like Nkechi Blessing.
You can’t pay #500k to buy Aso-Ebi, then attend the party only to start maintaining steeze.
Unless you dressed like Nkechi blessing whose tailor did a bad job, you have no reason not to eat very well.Don’t dress like Nkechi blessing. Make sure your clothes do not tight you too much so that your stomach can peacefully expand as much as possible when you are loading your stomach with every available food in sight in that party.Remember, you did not attend that party with anybody. So don’t look at anybody’s face. You came alone and you are going home alone.The only thing not acceptable before man and God is when you requested for all those food and you failed to finish them. I hate it when you collected all those foods but ended up leaving them on your table unfinished. It doesnt make sense.Instead of leaving the foods on the table, make a plan before coming to the party by putting a reusable takeaway inside your bag. Gently pack the food inside the takeaway and put it inside your bag. When you go outside, you must see those beggars sitting with their children by the roadside and give them the food. It might be the first and the last time they would taste such food in their lives.The only shortcomings I saw in Priscilla’s traditional wedding ceremony is not allowing the guests to serve themselves. They should have make a plan for all guests to serve themselves.Sometimes these food servers can be funny. Imagine a situation whereby in a table of four people, three people received food while leaving one person unattended to. It look embarrassing and most times you would like to maintain your steeze but deep down your heart, you are already abus!ng Iyabo Ojo and Priscilla for been indirectly responsible for that insults you received from the food servers.
But in a setting whereby the guests would serve themselves whatever they want, such an error won’t occur. Only those in an exclusive tent such as governors and high profile guests should be attended to by food servers.
